Could We Just Talk About This?

by: Logan Alexander

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Ah gaht uh noo johb!

Sooo… I have news!  If you decoded the title, you already know what it is.

Let’s talk about it.

I got a new job.

I’m now working at…


as a server.  I really enjoy it… most of the time.  If you recall, earlier in my blog, when I worked in the market of an undisclosed location, I gave a list of don’ts when you enter the market.  I just wanted to ensure your safety.  Hell hath no fury like a ginger’s temper! >:[

Now that I’m a server in the TOURIST CAPITAL OF THE FRIGGIN’ WORLD I would like to hit on some things that you should never do.  I’ll get pissed.  I’ll smile and pretend like it’s okay until you tip me.  While feigning a smile, I will slip copious amounts of antifreeze into your coffee.  After you tip me, I will cease all smiling.  Then, you leave and die; something that could have been completely bypassed had you just followed a few simple rules.


  1. Do not interrupt me to ask for water, or anything else for that matter, while I’m talking to another table.  You are not almighty.  You are not more important than anyone else. (Exception: you are only more important if your check is $400 while the other table’s check is $20.  Interrupt away.)  If you interrupt me for something stupid and trivial, I will be deaf in whatever ear you’re talking into that day.  After you get angry that I paid you no attention, I will then explain that I am completely deaf in that ear, I’m partially deaf in the other and I will go into a long drawn-out story about how hard my childhood was because of my deafness.  I will then tell you that just last week, I was walking my little yorkie through central park and as we crossed the street, because I couldn’t hear the screams from the bicyclist that his brakes were broken, he hit my dog, not only killing poor Fluffers, but also rendering himself paralyzed from the waist down.  I will then explain that I am being sued by the cyclist and it’s taking everything I can do to make ends meet.  I may also add that I found an eviction notice on my door early that day, as I was leaving what would only be my home for a short while longer.  It all depends on how stupid the topic of your interruption was.  If it was just water, you bet your ass you will be crying by the end of my speech.
  2. As servers, we cherish our larger tables.  There’s a simple math to this.  Larger tables = more seats = more guests = larger tab = more money.  Now,  if you and your three friends sit at one of my TWO four-tops, good for me! If you remain seated 45 minutes after you’ve finished eating and paid, GET YOUR ASS UP AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RESTAURANT!  You may not realize this, but servers don’t like you to sit and chat after you’ve finished.  Why?  Because in that 45 minutes that you sat and pissed around, I could’ve made another $30 or so from that table.  If you are ever sitting at a table and you are no longer eating and I walk by, giving you a look of pure disgust, a look that says, “I hate you with every fiber of my being right now and I’ve already hired someone to mug you on the train,” just leave.  But leave prepared.
  3. Who doesn’t love generous foreigners?  No one.  Who doesn’t love foreigners who think a $4 tip on a $300 check is generous?  THIS GUY!  This doesn’t always apply to foreigners, but if you are from this country and you do this, you should be ashamed of yourself.  When you do things like this and you know better, God will spite you and give you deformed kids.  Or he’ll take your yorkie in a tragic cycling accident.  I have just given you the best service of your life for 1.5 hours and for what? $4! Do you know what $4 will buy?  One tampon.  What am I going to do with a tampon?  Therefore, $4 does not help me in the slightest!  But I appreciate you telling me what a wonderful server I was.  Which brings me to my next point..
  4. THE VERBAL TIP!  If I’ve just spent a good portion of my life making sure you have had the best time possible and you throw down that $4 tip with a few kind words telling me how much you enjoyed me and that I was the best server you’ve ever had,  you are still the devil.  Verbal tips don’t pay the rent.  Verbal tips don’t put food in my kid’s mouth.  Verbal tips won’t bring Fluffers back!  I’m just going to give you “the look” (refer to above look of disgust).
  5. Order from the damn menu!  Let me give you an example of a table of 8 that can go jump off a cliff.  This is completely hypothetical.  So, you have 8 people at a table,  all of whom want different drinks.  They proceed to order their food and 6 of the 8 people want special modifications.  Does it say in the menu that we can cook the chicken like that?  No.  Can we?  Yes.  Do we want to do it just for you?  No.  Will the chef curse you out in the kitchen?  Yes.  Will they spit in your food?  Unfortunately no.  So 6 people had to have their food specially prepared.  I have to make the dreaded walk to the kitchen to tell the chef all of the modifications and watch as his expression quickly turns from one that says, “how may I help you?” to one that says, “I hope you die a slow, painful death.”  Some call this walk “The Green Mile.”  After all of the modifications have been put in, your food has been served PERFECTLY and you see I’m weeded with 7 other tables, you then decided to put in an extra order of dumplings.  Okay, let me get right on that your majesty.  Well, I forget to put in the extra order right away, so THEN you talk to a manager, because it’s taking more than three minutes to get your dumplings to you.  This is completely hypothetical, but if this had happened, I would have been very angry with this table.  Okay, it happened.  

I hope you all have learned something today.  The message of this story: Don’t take candy from strangers.